3 - Finding The Right Time to Share my Experience

In my last blog about overcoming social anxiety, I mentioned that I am an extrovert and find comfort in socializing with family and friends. However, in the past, I rarely discussed personal issues with friends or family members. It was always a one-way street. My friends would talk to me about their problems, but not the other way around. I did not like talking about my issues because I was afraid of being vulnerable and showing my “dark side.” I was also scared that people might treat me differently. A few months ago, I started to share my feelings more and express my vulnerability. I was able to do this because my mental health was the strongest it had ever been. Funnily enough, I’ve realized that sharing my feelings, in turn, improves my mental health, and it’s something I continue to work on to this day.  

Where did my fear of being vulnerable come from? It mostly came from facing obstacles regarding my hearing impairment and type 1 diabetes. For my whole life, I have tried to seem as happy as possible in front of my family and friends, when internally, I might have been going through a rough time. I did not want to ruin their mood by seeming sad or depressed. I also did not want people to get the wrong impression that my disabilities define who I am. In reality, my disabilities do not define me.

I experienced my fear of vulnerability when my Cochlear Implant malfunctioned in January 2020 (see my first blog about my Cochlear Implant experience). When I decided to undergo surgery, my parents shared the news with our extended family and friends on my behalf. I felt too emotionally weak to talk about it, and I did not want to overwhelm others with my emotions. I only started sharing my experience once my hearing was restored. I had to work on my mental health and ensure it was strong enough so that I could better share and reflect on my experience. If I started this blog a year ago, it would have been very different. I would not be able to write about my positive learning experience throughout this journey. I would have been unable to help others going through similar experiences.

In my last blog, I described an experience where I became anxious at a picnic, shortly after my implant was switched on. If I wrote my blog a day after that picnic, it would have gone something like this: “The picnic was a nightmare. I can never socialize again since people view me differently than before my surgery.” Focusing on these negative thoughts would take away from any positive lessons I learned from my experience. My readers would feel sorry for me, rather than understanding how I overcame my obstacles. Now, I realize that I needed time to reflect and improve my outlook before sharing my experience with others. Therefore, it’s important to find the right time and balance to share.

I have an activity for you. Recall a memory about a time when you were facing an obstacle that affected you emotionally and mentally. It could be about a conflict with a significant other, parents filing a divorce, getting a low grade in a class, or anything at all. Did you ever share your feelings with anyone while feeling mentally drained? Did you wait to share your feelings once you were in a better mental state or when you reached your goal? How would these two conversations differ from each other? The former might focus on more negative feelings, but perhaps that’s what you needed at the time – a chance to “vent” and get the negativity off your chest. The latter might include a more optimistic outlook since you’ve already overcome your obstacle and are sharing your feelings after the fact. Both types of sharing are important, but we need to find a balance between them.

Focus on Your End Goal

I recall a time when I failed a midterm in my first year of undergrad. I didn’t think I deserved the low grade. I was annoyed and complained to everyone, including those outside my inner circle. I later realized that this was a waste of time. Actions speak louder than words, so I reminded myself of my goal of achieving a good grade for that class. This simple reminder to stay focused on my goal motivated me to take action rather than continue to just complain. I attended my professor’s office hours and changed my study habits. I leaned on only my close peers for support. I ended up going from a failing grade to an exceptional grade in the course. 

From our activity, think about the obstacle that you faced. Did you take action to help you reach your goal? Suppose you are still struggling with the obstacle currently. It is essential to stay focused on the goal and seek an action plan to overcome the obstacle. Complaining about the issue does not help overcome it. Confide in a few people who will help you find the solution, rather than multiple people who will distract you from the solution. It is crucial to trust oneself when going through this process, so next, we will discuss the importance of giving time to yourself.

The Importance of “Me” Time

Actress Lucille Ball quotes, “Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” I agree with Lucille’s quote – the first step to achieving your goals is to love yourself. I dedicate at least an hour to myself every day to not only do things that I enjoy but also to self-reflect. If I’ve made a mistake, I look back and ask myself why I made that mistake and how not to do it again. It is crucial to forgive oneself for past actions in order to move on. Self-reflection also enables you to better share your experiences in life and choose what is necessary to share. When I failed my midterm, I took time to myself to reflect on why I failed the midterm and focused on improving my course grade.

How much time do you dedicate to “me” time? How often do you self-reflect on past experiences? How often do you check in on your mental health? If I did not spend time with myself, I would not understand my inner feelings and learn from them. I would not be able to share my experiences in order to help others. If I don’t periodically check in on my mental health, it might suffer, affecting my relationship with others. Just like with physical health, if you feel your mental health is deteriorating, it’s important to seek help.

Vulnerability Helps you Connect with People

Being more vulnerable has helped me connect with others at a deeper level. It has helped others understand my experiences and feelings, which in turn helped them better support me during difficult times. It also provides me with a new perspective and allows me to learn from others’ experiences. However, vulnerability is a spectrum. A not-so vulnerable person will seldom share their experiences with anyone and will keep their feelings to themselves. On the other side of the spectrum, a very vulnerable person shares all of their experiences and feelings with others. Both extremes could be harmful. Therefore, it is crucial to find a balance between what is necessary to share, whom to communicate and find the right time to share.

I have experienced both extremes, and unfortunately, both extremes took a toll on my mental health. I used to think that being vulnerable is a bad thing and makes you look weak. On the other hand, sometimes when I do feel vulnerable, I let everything out without thinking twice about it. It’s important to find a balance between what can be shared, what should be shared when to share, and who to share these experiences with. In the past year, I was able to find a balance. Depending on the situation, I try to find the right people to share my experiences with.

Recall from our activity. Did you feel vulnerable when facing this obstacle? If yes, were you able to share your experience with people? Did their response help you overcome your obstacle? Were you able to connect with people after sharing your experience? I feel much lighter and happier after sharing my experiences through these blogs and talking to people in person about them. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my third blog! Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions, concerns, to share some of your experiences or just want to chat!

- Shobana Ramesh