8 - Accepting my Deaf Identity

Growing up, the deaf, hard-of-hearing and hearing communities were black and white. You are either seen as deaf, hard-of-hearing or hearing, and I did not fit in any of these categories, due to a limited awareness of cochlear implants. People would ask me whether I am deaf. I respond yes, but I often question this myself because I do not fully belong in the deaf world since I have cochlear implants, spoke orally, and did not know American Sign Language (ASL) at the time. I also grew up in a hearing family and attended mainstream school, which also challenged my identity even further.
I was often made fun of and bullied in grade school due to my hearing loss and the way I speak. People called me names, swore at me, ignored me and fought me physically and verbally. I transitioned to a public school in grade 1 (I was 6 years old at the time), and I made friends easily in my grade. Towards the middle of the grade 1 school year, a few older students viewed me as “special” and, unfortunately, treated my friends poorly. At first, I thought they were nice and wanted to be my friend, but the moment they became rude to my friends, I stopped hanging out with them since I realized that they “used” me because of my hearing loss. 
Even though my teachers were extremely supportive, there were times when I felt isolated. For example, in grade 3 (I was 8 years old), we conducted a science experiment on static electricity. My classmates rubbed their socks on the carpet and then touched another person to see if they got a shock. They were very excited to try this activity, and one kid tried after the other. I noticed that the experiment was pretty cool, so I wanted to try. I raised my hand. When my teacher saw me with my hand raised, he immediately told me that I was not allowed. That immediately changed my mood from excitement to feeling sad because I could not participate because the teacher did not want the shocks to affect my Cochlear Implants.
I used an FM/DM system, which consists of a receiver and a transmitter, to help me hear my teachers and classmates at school and university better. Unfortunately, the FM systems in the early to mid-2000s had constant background noise, so I couldn't hear the teacher and my classmates well. I had great support from my Itinerant Teachers of the Deaf, who helped me with my listening and speech development at school, and they ensured that I was receiving the right accommodations for my classes.
Until recently, I was never comfortable talking about my disability to others. This is primarily due to encountering people who would treat me differently after finding out about my disability from my speech or seeing my devices. I would often shut down even from my family. It was partially my fault because I was never prepared for such situations. I would often respond negatively, such as showing anger, rather than providing them with a more positive response that would help them gain better awareness and knowledge about Cochlear Implants. 
In grade 11 to first-year university, I went through a tough time mentally from all the constant bullying and teasing from previous years. Even though I had a good time in high school, I did not feel like myself. I suddenly lost a good friend of mine from elementary school in an accident during this time as well, which worsened my mental health. I shut down completely and was often stuck in my room, crying, and feeling sad and did not come out as much.  In the middle of third-year university, my implant failed, which worsened my mental health, and I hit rock bottom. If you are interested in reading more about my reimplantation experience, please see my first blog here: https://shobanaramesh.blogspot.com/2021/01/my-cochlear-implant-and-reimplantation.html
After finding out about my implant failure, I did a lot of self-reflection and began working really hard on improving my mental health. No one told me to change. I only knew that I would get the latest generation implants, so that made me feel more optimistic about my hearing growth.  I realized this myself, and I still am in awe to this day at how I mentally switched myself. I began writing down my feelings, and switched the negative feelings to positive ones on my own. That one activity made me feel more optimistic about my future. Since then, I began sharing my feelings and experiences more openly with others. 
After my activation and months of listening rehabilitation, I decided that I wanted to share my experiences with the world. I created my first blog about my reimplantation experience, which opened a lot of doors for me to support others with hearing loss. I got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to fly to California with my mom to take part in “The Moment” campaign by Advanced Bionics. Next, I decided to mentor cochlear implant candidates, users and their families. I also took up the opportunity to host the Ottawa Cochlear Implant Support group virtual meetings every month, and I enjoy learning, sharing and confiding with others on our hearing journeys.
I have also reached my lifetime dream of becoming an elementary school teacher, and based on my experiences growing up as a student attending mainstream elementary school with Cochlear Implants, I have supported numerous children with hearing loss across Ottawa and Toronto. They were all so happy to finally see a teacher have the same disability as they do, which gives them hope and inspiration that they can do absolutely anything in life. Technology has improved drastically. The current FM/DM systems no longer produce background noise, and they have a wider range, so they can pick up sounds from a greater distance. Additionally, a few of my friends from VOICE and I did a presentation on Deaf and hard-of-hearing awareness in front of an entire school, and it was an absolute success! 
Lastly, I took up learning ASL to help support students who communicate in ASL in schools and to have a greater opportunity to work as an Itinerant Teacher of the Deaf in the future.  I am also currently teaching my kindergarten students the alphabet in ASL to encourage ASL awareness. I am also currently taking Special Education courses as an additional qualification as part of my teaching certification, so that I can better support students with disabilities, including hearing disabilities. 
Now, when people approach me and ask me about my hearing loss, I am more than happy to educate them on my hearing journey. I still get weird looks and comments at times, but I always try to smile, be kind, calm and collected. It is not an easy process, but I am so proud of all the hard work I have put into myself to be where I am today. With my current experiences, it solidified my deaf identity, and I am no longer hiding my disability. Now I carry it with pride by spreading awareness and helping others with their hearing journeys. There has also been a greater awareness of the cochlear implant community, which made a huge positive impact on us by making us feel included and accommodated with the right tools. It is not perfect, but we are making progress, and that is all that matters. 
Thank you for reading my blog! Please do not hesitate to contact me from the sidebar or by commenting to any one of my blog posts if you have any questions, concerns, or if you just want to talk. :)